The Chip System: The White Chip

In AA there is a chip system designed to mark one's time in sobriety. As of today, I have amassed 55, 24-hour periods of sobriety, consecutively, and have received 2 chips and one candle to signify the two milestones that I have reached in this period of time.

The White Chip (pictured to the left, at the bottom of the row) signifies "A desire to quit drinking or to give this way of life (i.e. sobriety) a try for 24 hours." I picked this chip up at my first meeting ever on Tuesday December 22, 2009 at the 8111 Club in Dunwoody, GA. There had been no pressure from the group to do so. It was an "open meeting" meaning that anyone can attend, whether they are actually interested in quitting drinking or not. I had come from my parents' home in Roswell, having just had a "discussion" with my parents about my situation and my desire to enter a treatment center to help me address my issues with alcohol. Upon my departure from my parents' home, it was not apparent, whatsoever in fact, that I would be receiving the support that I had requested from them in this life-changing effort. Tempers had been hot and things had been said that shouldn't have, from all parties concerned. It was not even guaranteed that I would be allowed to stay there under their roof after the morning of the 26th.
In the face of all this, I entered the Club and took a seat in the second row. To be completely honest, I have no idea what was said during the meeting or how many people were there, as I was all up in my head, considering to myself all that had recently transpired which had led me to take a seat in that chair, at that moment in time. I do know that at some point I was moved to share with the group what it was that I was going through. I raised my hand, opened my mouth and blurted out, "Hi. I'm Warren and I'm an alcoholic." I stumbled a bit over these words, but they were met by a round of friendly faces and kind salutations from around the room. "Hi, Warren," Everyone said! Then, as if I had just been given the Heimlich Maneuver by some benevolent spirit, words began to fly out of my mouth and scatter themselves around the room, piling up on top of each other as they broke free from my windpipe. I have no idea how long I spoke. It could have been five-minutes, it could have been fifteen. Normally, attendees are asked to keep their sharing to 3-4 minutes, but I know that I spoke for significantly longer than that. But no one made any attempt to silence me, and I eventually sputtered out and came to a close as nine years worth of obstruction lay in heaps around the room. I figured that I would be met with silence after this lengthy confession of all my troubles, but once again, my words were met with choruses of "Thanks for sharing, Warren," "Glad you're here," and "Keep coming back!" I then sat in a vacuum free of noise and thought for the rest of the meeting, however short or long it was, I have no idea.
At the close of the hour, the Chips were handed out, and as the speaker finished uttering the words, "...for 24 hours," I felt myself stand up and walk to the front of the room, face flushed and eyes watering, where I was met with loud whoops and applause, a White Chip, a warm hug, and a whisper of encouragement. I turned, after this, holding back tears, and was met by still louder applause, many handshakes, slaps on the back, and still more hugs as I made my way back to my seat, trying to keep from openly weeping in the face of such unexpected, unconditional love and support.
These are the memories that I associate with my White Chip, which stands for surrender. In the midst of my sorrow and depression, anxiety and uncertainty, I was met with friendly, caring embraces and warm words of encouragement from a room filled with complete and total strangers. I walked in off the street, having no idea what to expect, and what I found went far beyond even my wildest expectations.
I keep this experience close by because I do not want to sully or tarnish its memory. It was one of the most beautiful moments in my life, and if I forget it, I risk taking a drink. And if I were to take a drink, assuming that I could summon the courage and willpower to return to that room under similar circumstances, which is by no means assured, I would have to pick up another White Chip, and the memory I just shared would be forever tarnished.
Therefore, God willing and one day at a time, I pray earnestly that this is the only White Chip I ever have to pick up.

Song 'O the Day: White Denim- Ieiei

I've been a fan of White Denim, a three-piece, frenetic garage-rock outfit from Austin, TX, for several years now, ever since I saw them mentioned in a Rolling Stone "Breaking Artist" article in 2008. And while I do have an affinity for the lighter shades of denim jeans, I have, to date, refrained from incorporating the white variety into my sartorial style. That being said, this gem, an oldie but a goody, popped up in my a.m. shuffle and I thought I would share it with you. Please enjoy.
Also, their newest two-disk LP, Fits, dropped in October of last year, and I suggest you give it a listen. It's really quite good, and includes several songs from previously released EP's and LP's as well as a few new tracks.

Yeasayer- Tightrope

I just started listening to a bunch of Yeasayer, and I really am diggin' what they're putting down. I bought the Dark Was the Night album about a year ago, mostly because the artists on it were some of my favorites, but the fact that the proceeds went to benefit the Red Hot Organization and HIV/AIDS research/awareness helped justify my spending 15 bucks on a CD full of songs I had never heard before. 31 songs for 15 bucks ain't too shabby though, for those of you who may be interested in procuring a copy of your own. Or you can download it illegally if you prefer, who am I to judge? Those little kids in Africa, on the other hand...
Anyway, as I said, I didn't know any of the songs on the album, and I was unfamiliar with a few of the acts, Yeasayer included. I came across this song and really dug it from a purely musical standpoint. The vocals, electronics and percussion were pretty awesome, but I moved on fairly quickly to the rest of the album, and on to other albums, and so on and so forth.
One of the unfortunate side effects of the overabundance of digital music these days is that if you consume lots of it, as I tend to do, really inspirational, affective music can be overlooked rather quickly as you move on to the next new thing. Such was the case with this song, which popped up in my shuffle the other day. My new sober outlook and my vigorous approach to recovery has caused me to reanalyze my perspective on a lot of things, music in particular. I'm wary not to overplay this hand, however, as I know that if I relate EVERYTHING to sobriety, I will lose the interest of those who perhaps cannot identify as strongly with my struggle. It's fortunate then, that this song happens to rock, and can be enjoyed for any number of reasons.
I can identify very strongly with the sentiment expressed in the lyrics regarding embarrassing behavior and actions. I used to think that I lived without regrets, chalking most setbacks up to experience and categorizing them as "learning opportunities," which only really works if you actually learn something, which was not often the case for me. I now realize that I actually have a plethora of regrets, which currently give me motivation to pursue gradual change on a daily basis.
Additionally, I now know that in regards to my addiction, self-will is useless in preventing me from continuing along my path of destruction. I have to solicit the help of others, the program and my Higher Power if the desire to achieve anything positive and lasting is to be realized.
I have no idea if this interpretation was even remotely intended by whichever member of the band wrote the song/lyrics, but that is the beauty of art in all its forms. As an artist, you can try and direct thoughts and emotional reactions to it, or you can leave it open to interpretation. Some of you might take drastically different things away from the song. Some of you may take nothing away from the song except that it is musically very pleasing. Others may think that it sucks and that I'm a douche-bag for reading into it at all, or for liking it. Whatever the case may be, take a chance and give it a listen. If you like it, check out some other songs by Yeasayer, including Ambling Alp, other one of my recent favorites. All Hour Cymbals is a pretty solid album as well, and their new album Odd Blood drops today. Knock yourselves out with all 'a that.