Today, like most days, I am home alone and the house is quiet. I am alone with my thoughts, as I tend to be a lot of the time, and I am feeling a bit out of sorts. I have a decently long list of things to do, which, like my lists of things to read, to listen to, and even leftovers in the fridge to eat, seem to grow much faster than I can manage to check items off.
It is snowing outside, which is has done before, and the beauty of it, the novelty of snow in the South, is lost on me for now. Big, fat flakes of it are falling, and have been falling for hours now, and I don't seem to care. They can stick or melt instantly, and it makes no difference to me.
It's not as if I don't have things to do, but none of them seem important enough to take priority over the others, and so I sit here, doing nothing instead. I have recovery work I can do, but I have made significant progress in the last couple weeks, and so I have cut myself some slack, and have taken a more leisurely pace in the last week or so. It's been 68 days since I had my last drink, and I have progressed to steps 8 and 9 in the AA program, those being the compilation of a list comprised of those to whom and for what I need to make amends, and the making of those amends, respectively.
A couple weeks ago I took my 5th step, the sharing of my personal defects, in the shape of my resentments, fears, sexual conduct, and ways I've hurt others, with my sponsor and my Higher Power. The 6th and 7th steps are introspective, spiritually-oriented, non-action steps, that prepare the person to make the transition from the 4th and 5th to the the 8th and 9th steps.
It's obvious to me why I am slowing down now, as opposed to at any other time. My 4th step, the making of my list of character defects, took several weeks of daily work to finish, and it took over 6 hours to go over all my resentments, fears, sexual conduct, and harm done to others with my sponsor. He assured me that his first list, which he made 18-years ago, was longer, but it's obvious to me that I have been carrying around a lot of shit that has amassed over the years, and the only way to get rid of it is to recognize my faults, forgive myself and others, and to make amends for my wrong-doing where necessary.
Originally, before I really got into the program and learned about the steps, 9 was the step that I really looked forward to. I guess I had/have a lot of regrets about the way I've handled things and treated people in the past, and I was enthralled with the idea of making my rounds and apologizing to a bunch of people, mostly friends, for relatively petty things and absolving myself of the guilt I felt for them. I had no idea how much work I would have to put in on steps 1-8 before the time came to make those amends. Other than the 1st, every step so far has, at first glace, seemed impossible, insurmountable, requiring far more humility than I possess. The 8th and 9th are no different. Making the list requires acknowledging many instances in which I was wrong and will have to make sincere amends for my actions, and step 9 requires me to swallow my pride and actually do it, both of which, now that I am facing them, seem completely unreasonable.
Although not everything on my 4th step list warrants an amends-to-be-made, the reality of the situation is that I will have to address some people and some things in my past that I had hoped would never have to see the light of day again. I'll have to talk to some people whom I'd rather not, and the humility required to do this is something that I have not had, maybe ever. I have been made to eat a lot of "humble pie" already in the program, but to be honest, I don't like pie, no matter the kind, and this is shaping up to be quite a large slice.
Ultimately, however, I understand the gravity of this step, and the risk I take if I allow myself to get hung up on it for too long. I need to keep the momentum going, to not lose that which I have already put so much into, that which ultimately keeps me sober today.
I sat down not knowing exactly what I wanted to say, but I can see now that this has been a cathartic experience for me; it has allowed me to see the motivation behind my (in)actions. Whenever I feel discontent, as I do now, I know that it is because I am not doing something right in my program. in this case, I see that my fear of the past and of the future has stalled me and is preventing me from taking the next critical step in my recovery. Armed with this self-awareness, I can ask my Higher Power to grant me strength and to replace my fear with courage as I finalize my list and set out to make my amends. I'll let you all know how it goes.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The Chip System: The White Chip
In AA there is a chip system designed to mark one's time in sobriety. As of today, I have amassed 55, 24-hour periods of sobriety, consecutively, and have received 2 chips and one candle to signify the two milestones that I have reached in this period of time. The White Chip (pictured to the left, at the bottom of the row) signifies "A desire to quit drinking or to give this way of life (i.e. sobriety) a try for 24 hours." I picked this chip up at my first meeting ever on Tuesday December 22, 2009 at the 8111 Club in Dunwoody, GA. There had been no pressure from the group to do so. It was an "open meeting" meaning that anyone can attend, whether they are actually interested in quitting drinking or not. I had come from my parents' home in Roswell, having just had a "discussion" with my parents about my situation and my desire to enter a treatment center to help me address my issues with alcohol. Upon my departure from my parents' home, it was not apparent, whatsoever in fact, that I would be receiving the support that I had requested from them in this life-changing effort. Tempers had been hot and things had been said that shouldn't have, from all parties concerned. It was not even guaranteed that I would be allowed to stay there under their roof after the morning of the 26th.
In the face of all this, I entered the Club and took a seat in the second row. To be completely honest, I have no idea what was said during the meeting or how many people were there, as I was all up in my head, considering to myself all that had recently transpired which had led me to take a seat in that chair, at that moment in time. I do know that at some point I was moved to share with the group what it was that I was going through. I raised my hand, opened my mouth and blurted out, "Hi. I'm Warren and I'm an alcoholic." I stumbled a bit over these words, but they were met by a round of friendly faces and kind salutations from around the room. "Hi, Warren," Everyone said! Then, as if I had just been given the Heimlich Maneuver by some benevolent spirit, words began to fly out of my mouth and scatter themselves around the room, piling up on top of each other as they broke free from my windpipe. I have no idea how long I spoke. It could have been five-minutes, it could have been fifteen. Normally, attendees are asked to keep their sharing to 3-4 minutes, but I know that I spoke for significantly longer than that. But no one made any attempt to silence me, and I eventually sputtered out and came to a close as nine years worth of obstruction lay in heaps around the room. I figured that I would be met with silence after this lengthy confession of all my troubles, but once again, my words were met with choruses of "Thanks for sharing, Warren," "Glad you're here," and "Keep coming back!" I then sat in a vacuum free of noise and thought for the rest of the meeting, however short or long it was, I have no idea.
At the close of the hour, the Chips were handed out, and as the speaker finished uttering the words, "...for 24 hours," I felt myself stand up and walk to the front of the room, face flushed and eyes watering, where I was met with loud whoops and applause, a White Chip, a warm hug, and a whisper of encouragement. I turned, after this, holding back tears, and was met by still louder applause, many handshakes, slaps on the back, and still more hugs as I made my way back to my seat, trying to keep from openly weeping in the face of such unexpected, unconditional love and support.
These are the memories that I associate with my White Chip, which stands for surrender. In the midst of my sorrow and depression, anxiety and uncertainty, I was met with friendly, caring embraces and warm words of encouragement from a room filled with complete and total strangers. I walked in off the street, having no idea what to expect, and what I found went far beyond even my wildest expectations.
I keep this experience close by because I do not want to sully or tarnish its memory. It was one of the most beautiful moments in my life, and if I forget it, I risk taking a drink. And if I were to take a drink, assuming that I could summon the courage and willpower to return to that room under similar circumstances, which is by no means assured, I would have to pick up another White Chip, and the memory I just shared would be forever tarnished.
Therefore, God willing and one day at a time, I pray earnestly that this is the only White Chip I ever have to pick up.
Song 'O the Day: White Denim- Ieiei
I've been a fan of White Denim, a three-piece, frenetic garage-rock outfit from Austin, TX, for several years now, ever since I saw them mentioned in a Rolling Stone "Breaking Artist" article in 2008. And while I do have an affinity for the lighter shades of denim jeans, I have, to date, refrained from incorporating the white variety into my sartorial style. That being said, this gem, an oldie but a goody, popped up in my a.m. shuffle and I thought I would share it with you. Please enjoy.
Also, their newest two-disk LP, Fits, dropped in October of last year, and I suggest you give it a listen. It's really quite good, and includes several songs from previously released EP's and LP's as well as a few new tracks.
Also, their newest two-disk LP, Fits, dropped in October of last year, and I suggest you give it a listen. It's really quite good, and includes several songs from previously released EP's and LP's as well as a few new tracks.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Yeasayer- Tightrope
I just started listening to a bunch of Yeasayer, and I really am diggin' what they're putting down. I bought the Dark Was the Night album about a year ago, mostly because the artists on it were some of my favorites, but the fact that the proceeds went to benefit the Red Hot Organization and HIV/AIDS research/awareness helped justify my spending 15 bucks on a CD full of songs I had never heard before. 31 songs for 15 bucks ain't too shabby though, for those of you who may be interested in procuring a copy of your own. Or you can download it illegally if you prefer, who am I to judge? Those little kids in Africa, on the other hand...
Anyway, as I said, I didn't know any of the songs on the album, and I was unfamiliar with a few of the acts, Yeasayer included. I came across this song and really dug it from a purely musical standpoint. The vocals, electronics and percussion were pretty awesome, but I moved on fairly quickly to the rest of the album, and on to other albums, and so on and so forth.
One of the unfortunate side effects of the overabundance of digital music these days is that if you consume lots of it, as I tend to do, really inspirational, affective music can be overlooked rather quickly as you move on to the next new thing. Such was the case with this song, which popped up in my shuffle the other day. My new sober outlook and my vigorous approach to recovery has caused me to reanalyze my perspective on a lot of things, music in particular. I'm wary not to overplay this hand, however, as I know that if I relate EVERYTHING to sobriety, I will lose the interest of those who perhaps cannot identify as strongly with my struggle. It's fortunate then, that this song happens to rock, and can be enjoyed for any number of reasons.
I can identify very strongly with the sentiment expressed in the lyrics regarding embarrassing behavior and actions. I used to think that I lived without regrets, chalking most setbacks up to experience and categorizing them as "learning opportunities," which only really works if you actually learn something, which was not often the case for me. I now realize that I actually have a plethora of regrets, which currently give me motivation to pursue gradual change on a daily basis.
Additionally, I now know that in regards to my addiction, self-will is useless in preventing me from continuing along my path of destruction. I have to solicit the help of others, the program and my Higher Power if the desire to achieve anything positive and lasting is to be realized.
I have no idea if this interpretation was even remotely intended by whichever member of the band wrote the song/lyrics, but that is the beauty of art in all its forms. As an artist, you can try and direct thoughts and emotional reactions to it, or you can leave it open to interpretation. Some of you might take drastically different things away from the song. Some of you may take nothing away from the song except that it is musically very pleasing. Others may think that it sucks and that I'm a douche-bag for reading into it at all, or for liking it. Whatever the case may be, take a chance and give it a listen. If you like it, check out some other songs by Yeasayer, including Ambling Alp, other one of my recent favorites. All Hour Cymbals is a pretty solid album as well, and their new album Odd Blood drops today. Knock yourselves out with all 'a that.
Anyway, as I said, I didn't know any of the songs on the album, and I was unfamiliar with a few of the acts, Yeasayer included. I came across this song and really dug it from a purely musical standpoint. The vocals, electronics and percussion were pretty awesome, but I moved on fairly quickly to the rest of the album, and on to other albums, and so on and so forth.
One of the unfortunate side effects of the overabundance of digital music these days is that if you consume lots of it, as I tend to do, really inspirational, affective music can be overlooked rather quickly as you move on to the next new thing. Such was the case with this song, which popped up in my shuffle the other day. My new sober outlook and my vigorous approach to recovery has caused me to reanalyze my perspective on a lot of things, music in particular. I'm wary not to overplay this hand, however, as I know that if I relate EVERYTHING to sobriety, I will lose the interest of those who perhaps cannot identify as strongly with my struggle. It's fortunate then, that this song happens to rock, and can be enjoyed for any number of reasons.
I can identify very strongly with the sentiment expressed in the lyrics regarding embarrassing behavior and actions. I used to think that I lived without regrets, chalking most setbacks up to experience and categorizing them as "learning opportunities," which only really works if you actually learn something, which was not often the case for me. I now realize that I actually have a plethora of regrets, which currently give me motivation to pursue gradual change on a daily basis.
Additionally, I now know that in regards to my addiction, self-will is useless in preventing me from continuing along my path of destruction. I have to solicit the help of others, the program and my Higher Power if the desire to achieve anything positive and lasting is to be realized.
I have no idea if this interpretation was even remotely intended by whichever member of the band wrote the song/lyrics, but that is the beauty of art in all its forms. As an artist, you can try and direct thoughts and emotional reactions to it, or you can leave it open to interpretation. Some of you might take drastically different things away from the song. Some of you may take nothing away from the song except that it is musically very pleasing. Others may think that it sucks and that I'm a douche-bag for reading into it at all, or for liking it. Whatever the case may be, take a chance and give it a listen. If you like it, check out some other songs by Yeasayer, including Ambling Alp, other one of my recent favorites. All Hour Cymbals is a pretty solid album as well, and their new album Odd Blood drops today. Knock yourselves out with all 'a that.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Living Day-to-Day
Some of you may be asking yourself what it is that I do day-to-day in my recovery. Well, I try to stay busy. Boredom/idleness is one of my "triggers", or something that starts my mind obsessing over the thought of drinking. I have many triggers, but boredom is one of the strongest for me. I will get into the trigger --> craving aspect of the disease at a later time, however, so stay tuned for that.
Essentially, for now at least, I treat sobriety much like I see prison life portrayed, minus the threat of physical violence and rape. I tried to get into an inpatient treatment program, to more realistically create this scenario, but insurance wouldn't cover it because I didn't show up in the midst of an epic bender. I told them that I could achieve this in no time, but they declined my offer. Instead, I have been going to to an evening outpatient program 5 nights a week, that gives me the regular 9-5 hours of the day to do with what I will.
Obviously, it would be convenient for me to fill this time with school or work-related activities, but since I am currently involved in neither, I have adopted a prison-style regimen to fill this void.
Most days I wake up and say a little prayer to my Higher Power to help get me through the day sober, and ask Him to direct my thoughts and actions according to His will. This behavior still surprises me every day. It was no easy task initially, because I have not been a religious or spiritual man for some time now. But I will get into that transition later on as well.
Next I hit the gym. Over the course of the last several years, I have gotten far, far away from my reasonably athletic High School days. This running, weight-training stuff is not fun for me, nor is it easy, but it gets a little better every day.
After I clean up I do my daily meditation, an example of which is posted below. It gets my thoughts oriented toward a particular aspect of my recovery and helps give me a purpose for my actions throughout the day.
After that, I usually do some reading in the Big Book of AA and/or some step work that my sponsor has recommended for me. Like the other specifics mentioned in this post, I will share with y'all some of that stuff later on.
The rest of the day is less organized, but typically involves, in no particular order, some pleasure reading, some writing, a meeting, 3 hours of treatment, some cigarette smoking, some calls to my sponsor and other AA's, and some eating here or there. Pretty much like prison, only I have the choice of being there or not. At any time I can say "eff this" and go crack a brew, but I don't. I don't because I have already noticed an improvement in my quality of life. I don't like doing all this stuff every time I do it, but I love the effect this way of life is having on me. I feel better. I don't fear the future or regret the past (as much). I still have my down moments, but they lift much quicker and the bright side seems much brighter once it comes. It may be the meds, but I like to think that all this work I'm doing is having a positive effect as well.
When the day is done, I once again say a quick prayer, thanking my Higher Power for getting me through the day sober. Then I typically pass out, but not from drugs or booze, which is an important distinction to make. That's definitely a change for me.
Some of you may ask, "What's the point of all this?" And I would respond by saying, "Good question..." The truth is, sometimes I don't know. A lot of the time, actually, I have no idea what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. What I do know is that those who are telling me that this is what I need to be doing have many, many years of sobriety under their belts. Much more time than my 36 days. Ultimately, that is what I want and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get it. Slowly, the obsession to drink is being lifted from me. Some days I actually realize, as I'm saying my nightly prayer, that I haven't thought about drinking at all. Other days, I'm not so lucky. But it seems to be working so far, so I'm gonna keep it up, because those days free from the thought of drinking are pretty effin' awesome.
Essentially, for now at least, I treat sobriety much like I see prison life portrayed, minus the threat of physical violence and rape. I tried to get into an inpatient treatment program, to more realistically create this scenario, but insurance wouldn't cover it because I didn't show up in the midst of an epic bender. I told them that I could achieve this in no time, but they declined my offer. Instead, I have been going to to an evening outpatient program 5 nights a week, that gives me the regular 9-5 hours of the day to do with what I will.
Obviously, it would be convenient for me to fill this time with school or work-related activities, but since I am currently involved in neither, I have adopted a prison-style regimen to fill this void.
Most days I wake up and say a little prayer to my Higher Power to help get me through the day sober, and ask Him to direct my thoughts and actions according to His will. This behavior still surprises me every day. It was no easy task initially, because I have not been a religious or spiritual man for some time now. But I will get into that transition later on as well.
Next I hit the gym. Over the course of the last several years, I have gotten far, far away from my reasonably athletic High School days. This running, weight-training stuff is not fun for me, nor is it easy, but it gets a little better every day.
After I clean up I do my daily meditation, an example of which is posted below. It gets my thoughts oriented toward a particular aspect of my recovery and helps give me a purpose for my actions throughout the day.
After that, I usually do some reading in the Big Book of AA and/or some step work that my sponsor has recommended for me. Like the other specifics mentioned in this post, I will share with y'all some of that stuff later on.
The rest of the day is less organized, but typically involves, in no particular order, some pleasure reading, some writing, a meeting, 3 hours of treatment, some cigarette smoking, some calls to my sponsor and other AA's, and some eating here or there. Pretty much like prison, only I have the choice of being there or not. At any time I can say "eff this" and go crack a brew, but I don't. I don't because I have already noticed an improvement in my quality of life. I don't like doing all this stuff every time I do it, but I love the effect this way of life is having on me. I feel better. I don't fear the future or regret the past (as much). I still have my down moments, but they lift much quicker and the bright side seems much brighter once it comes. It may be the meds, but I like to think that all this work I'm doing is having a positive effect as well.
When the day is done, I once again say a quick prayer, thanking my Higher Power for getting me through the day sober. Then I typically pass out, but not from drugs or booze, which is an important distinction to make. That's definitely a change for me.
Some of you may ask, "What's the point of all this?" And I would respond by saying, "Good question..." The truth is, sometimes I don't know. A lot of the time, actually, I have no idea what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. What I do know is that those who are telling me that this is what I need to be doing have many, many years of sobriety under their belts. Much more time than my 36 days. Ultimately, that is what I want and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get it. Slowly, the obsession to drink is being lifted from me. Some days I actually realize, as I'm saying my nightly prayer, that I haven't thought about drinking at all. Other days, I'm not so lucky. But it seems to be working so far, so I'm gonna keep it up, because those days free from the thought of drinking are pretty effin' awesome.
Daily Meditation: January 29
Letting Go of Fear:
Those of us who have been clean and sober for a period of time share newcomers' concerns for the future, but we do not share their fear. We know how unsafe they feel, but we know how safe they are. The richness of life is often overlooked by giving minor events too much attention.
By working the steps, going to meetings, and sharing in the fellowship - the newcomer will feel the richness of life and lose his or her fear by working the program and staying clean and sober.
Am I losing my fear?
Higher Power, help me to let go of my fear so that I can be ready to experience the richness of life as it comes my way.
Today I will combat my fear by focusing on the present, not letting myself get hung up on regret and remorse concerning the past, nor on fear and apprehension concerning the future. I will work the program to the best of my ability today, and open myself up to the opportunities that present themselves in order to enhance my recovery and the recovery of others.
God help me to stay clean and sober today!
Those of us who have been clean and sober for a period of time share newcomers' concerns for the future, but we do not share their fear. We know how unsafe they feel, but we know how safe they are. The richness of life is often overlooked by giving minor events too much attention.
By working the steps, going to meetings, and sharing in the fellowship - the newcomer will feel the richness of life and lose his or her fear by working the program and staying clean and sober.
Am I losing my fear?
Higher Power, help me to let go of my fear so that I can be ready to experience the richness of life as it comes my way.
Today I will combat my fear by focusing on the present, not letting myself get hung up on regret and remorse concerning the past, nor on fear and apprehension concerning the future. I will work the program to the best of my ability today, and open myself up to the opportunities that present themselves in order to enhance my recovery and the recovery of others.
God help me to stay clean and sober today!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Change
This song popped up in the shuffle on my iPod on the way to treatment this afternoon. Very fitting, I thought, given the topic of my meditation today. It's funny how differently I used to identify with this song when I was a high school stoner. I don't feel as phony listening to the message as I once did. Anyway, enjoy this throwback. Take from it whatever you want. Cheers.
P.S. Speaking of big phonies, RIP J.D. Salinger. I never did love The Catcher in the Rye as much as I (and others) thought I should, but maybe I'll revisit it and see if there's anything new I can take from it. Wouldn't surprise me. Anyway, he was a great, reluctant American literary icon, and I wish him peace eternal.
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