Thoughts

Today, like most days, I am home alone and the house is quiet. I am alone with my thoughts, as I tend to be a lot of the time, and I am feeling a bit out of sorts. I have a decently long list of things to do, which, like my lists of things to read, to listen to, and even leftovers in the fridge to eat, seem to grow much faster than I can manage to check items off.
It is snowing outside, which is has done before, and the beauty of it, the novelty of snow in the South, is lost on me for now. Big, fat flakes of it are falling, and have been falling for hours now, and I don't seem to care. They can stick or melt instantly, and it makes no difference to me.
It's not as if I don't have things to do, but none of them seem important enough to take priority over the others, and so I sit here, doing nothing instead. I have recovery work I can do, but I have made significant progress in the last couple weeks, and so I have cut myself some slack, and have taken a more leisurely pace in the last week or so. It's been 68 days since I had my last drink, and I have progressed to steps 8 and 9 in the AA program, those being the compilation of a list comprised of those to whom and for what I need to make amends, and the making of those amends, respectively.
A couple weeks ago I took my 5th step, the sharing of my personal defects, in the shape of my resentments, fears, sexual conduct, and ways I've hurt others, with my sponsor and my Higher Power. The 6th and 7th steps are introspective, spiritually-oriented, non-action steps, that prepare the person to make the transition from the 4th and 5th to the the 8th and 9th steps.
It's obvious to me why I am slowing down now, as opposed to at any other time. My 4th step, the making of my list of character defects, took several weeks of daily work to finish, and it took over 6 hours to go over all my resentments, fears, sexual conduct, and harm done to others with my sponsor. He assured me that his first list, which he made 18-years ago, was longer, but it's obvious to me that I have been carrying around a lot of shit that has amassed over the years, and the only way to get rid of it is to recognize my faults, forgive myself and others, and to make amends for my wrong-doing where necessary.
Originally, before I really got into the program and learned about the steps, 9 was the step that I really looked forward to. I guess I had/have a lot of regrets about the way I've handled things and treated people in the past, and I was enthralled with the idea of making my rounds and apologizing to a bunch of people, mostly friends, for relatively petty things and absolving myself of the guilt I felt for them. I had no idea how much work I would have to put in on steps 1-8 before the time came to make those amends. Other than the 1st, every step so far has, at first glace, seemed impossible, insurmountable, requiring far more humility than I possess. The 8th and 9th are no different. Making the list requires acknowledging many instances in which I was wrong and will have to make sincere amends for my actions, and step 9 requires me to swallow my pride and actually do it, both of which, now that I am facing them, seem completely unreasonable.
Although not everything on my 4th step list warrants an amends-to-be-made, the reality of the situation is that I will have to address some people and some things in my past that I had hoped would never have to see the light of day again. I'll have to talk to some people whom I'd rather not, and the humility required to do this is something that I have not had, maybe ever. I have been made to eat a lot of "humble pie" already in the program, but to be honest, I don't like pie, no matter the kind, and this is shaping up to be quite a large slice.
Ultimately, however, I understand the gravity of this step, and the risk I take if I allow myself to get hung up on it for too long. I need to keep the momentum going, to not lose that which I have already put so much into, that which ultimately keeps me sober today.

I sat down not knowing exactly what I wanted to say, but I can see now that this has been a cathartic experience for me; it has allowed me to see the motivation behind my (in)actions. Whenever I feel discontent, as I do now, I know that it is because I am not doing something right in my program. in this case, I see that my fear of the past and of the future has stalled me and is preventing me from taking the next critical step in my recovery. Armed with this self-awareness, I can ask my Higher Power to grant me strength and to replace my fear with courage as I finalize my list and set out to make my amends. I'll let you all know how it goes.