Some of you may be asking yourself what it is that I do day-to-day in my recovery. Well, I try to stay busy. Boredom/idleness is one of my "triggers", or something that starts my mind obsessing over the thought of drinking. I have many triggers, but boredom is one of the strongest for me. I will get into the trigger --> craving aspect of the disease at a later time, however, so stay tuned for that.
Essentially, for now at least, I treat sobriety much like I see prison life portrayed, minus the threat of physical violence and rape. I tried to get into an inpatient treatment program, to more realistically create this scenario, but insurance wouldn't cover it because I didn't show up in the midst of an epic bender. I told them that I could achieve this in no time, but they declined my offer. Instead, I have been going to to an evening outpatient program 5 nights a week, that gives me the regular 9-5 hours of the day to do with what I will.
Obviously, it would be convenient for me to fill this time with school or work-related activities, but since I am currently involved in neither, I have adopted a prison-style regimen to fill this void.
Most days I wake up and say a little prayer to my Higher Power to help get me through the day sober, and ask Him to direct my thoughts and actions according to His will. This behavior still surprises me every day. It was no easy task initially, because I have not been a religious or spiritual man for some time now. But I will get into that transition later on as well.
Next I hit the gym. Over the course of the last several years, I have gotten far, far away from my reasonably athletic High School days. This running, weight-training stuff is not fun for me, nor is it easy, but it gets a little better every day.
After I clean up I do my daily meditation, an example of which is posted below. It gets my thoughts oriented toward a particular aspect of my recovery and helps give me a purpose for my actions throughout the day.
After that, I usually do some reading in the Big Book of AA and/or some step work that my sponsor has recommended for me. Like the other specifics mentioned in this post, I will share with y'all some of that stuff later on.
The rest of the day is less organized, but typically involves, in no particular order, some pleasure reading, some writing, a meeting, 3 hours of treatment, some cigarette smoking, some calls to my sponsor and other AA's, and some eating here or there. Pretty much like prison, only I have the choice of being there or not. At any time I can say "eff this" and go crack a brew, but I don't. I don't because I have already noticed an improvement in my quality of life. I don't like doing all this stuff every time I do it, but I love the effect this way of life is having on me. I feel better. I don't fear the future or regret the past (as much). I still have my down moments, but they lift much quicker and the bright side seems much brighter once it comes. It may be the meds, but I like to think that all this work I'm doing is having a positive effect as well.
When the day is done, I once again say a quick prayer, thanking my Higher Power for getting me through the day sober. Then I typically pass out, but not from drugs or booze, which is an important distinction to make. That's definitely a change for me.
Some of you may ask, "What's the point of all this?" And I would respond by saying, "Good question..." The truth is, sometimes I don't know. A lot of the time, actually, I have no idea what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. What I do know is that those who are telling me that this is what I need to be doing have many, many years of sobriety under their belts. Much more time than my 36 days. Ultimately, that is what I want and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get it. Slowly, the obsession to drink is being lifted from me. Some days I actually realize, as I'm saying my nightly prayer, that I haven't thought about drinking at all. Other days, I'm not so lucky. But it seems to be working so far, so I'm gonna keep it up, because those days free from the thought of drinking are pretty effin' awesome.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Daily Meditation: January 29
Letting Go of Fear:
Those of us who have been clean and sober for a period of time share newcomers' concerns for the future, but we do not share their fear. We know how unsafe they feel, but we know how safe they are. The richness of life is often overlooked by giving minor events too much attention.
By working the steps, going to meetings, and sharing in the fellowship - the newcomer will feel the richness of life and lose his or her fear by working the program and staying clean and sober.
Am I losing my fear?
Higher Power, help me to let go of my fear so that I can be ready to experience the richness of life as it comes my way.
Today I will combat my fear by focusing on the present, not letting myself get hung up on regret and remorse concerning the past, nor on fear and apprehension concerning the future. I will work the program to the best of my ability today, and open myself up to the opportunities that present themselves in order to enhance my recovery and the recovery of others.
God help me to stay clean and sober today!
Those of us who have been clean and sober for a period of time share newcomers' concerns for the future, but we do not share their fear. We know how unsafe they feel, but we know how safe they are. The richness of life is often overlooked by giving minor events too much attention.
By working the steps, going to meetings, and sharing in the fellowship - the newcomer will feel the richness of life and lose his or her fear by working the program and staying clean and sober.
Am I losing my fear?
Higher Power, help me to let go of my fear so that I can be ready to experience the richness of life as it comes my way.
Today I will combat my fear by focusing on the present, not letting myself get hung up on regret and remorse concerning the past, nor on fear and apprehension concerning the future. I will work the program to the best of my ability today, and open myself up to the opportunities that present themselves in order to enhance my recovery and the recovery of others.
God help me to stay clean and sober today!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Change
This song popped up in the shuffle on my iPod on the way to treatment this afternoon. Very fitting, I thought, given the topic of my meditation today. It's funny how differently I used to identify with this song when I was a high school stoner. I don't feel as phony listening to the message as I once did. Anyway, enjoy this throwback. Take from it whatever you want. Cheers.
P.S. Speaking of big phonies, RIP J.D. Salinger. I never did love The Catcher in the Rye as much as I (and others) thought I should, but maybe I'll revisit it and see if there's anything new I can take from it. Wouldn't surprise me. Anyway, he was a great, reluctant American literary icon, and I wish him peace eternal.
Daily Meditation: January 28
Here's a peek inside my mind, for those of you who are interested in how this recovery thing works, at least for me.
Every day I read from the Day by Day meditations book and reflect upon what it means to me in my recovery. Today's topic is change, and since it seems particularly appropriate given my new blog and way of life that I have alluded to in my previous post, I will share it with you. It begins with a context for the meditation, then introduces a prayer, and then allows for a reflection for the reader. Here is today's:
January 28: Believing in Change
At first, drugs and booze turned us on; later they turned on us. We couldn't find any peace anywhere. We began turning into the kind of person we didn't want to be, but we didn't know what was happening to us or how to change.
When we came to believe that our lives could and would turn around if we quit drinking or using, things began to get better.
Do I believe in change?
Higher Power, help me to be open-minded and humble enough to believe that what has worked to change the lives of others will work to change mine.
Today I will seek change by committing myself to willingness. I have a tendency to isolate and in doing so, I show my unwillingness to commit to the principles of the AA program that have worked for so many others. By showing that I am willing to change this aspect of my personality, I begin in earnest to progress in my recovery. I believe that this "psychic change" can and will happen for me if I only commit fully to the program of recovery that I have been introduced to through meetings, recovery literature, and my sponsor. I need only exhibit a willingness to do what is asked of me, and today that is to avoid isolating and embrace the help, fellowship, and guidance of others. I will also seek change by letting go of my own will and ask my Higher Power to guide me as he sees fit.
"God help me to stay clean and sober today!"
It's a little awkward sharing this with other people, particularly with non-alcoholic-types, as I have been more or less surrounded with the alcoholic-variety of persons for the better part of a month. It's become relatively easy for me to share my feelings and problems with my fellow alcoholics, as I know that on some level they understand, even if they haven't experienced what I have specifically. That, in my short time sober, has not been the case with non-drinkers, social drinkers, or any variety of drinking person who doesn't suffer from this disease or known someone who has. It is my hope that as my friends and others read this, they will begin to come to an understanding about what makes this particular malady so confounding and frustrating, and will better prepare them for dealing with alcoholics in life. There are many of us in the world, some are in meetings, and some are still out on the street. Today, I am thankful to be one of the former.
Speaking of, here's a joke for y'all:
Q; What's the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk?
A: Alcoholics have to go to meetings.
ba-dum-chich!
Every day I read from the Day by Day meditations book and reflect upon what it means to me in my recovery. Today's topic is change, and since it seems particularly appropriate given my new blog and way of life that I have alluded to in my previous post, I will share it with you. It begins with a context for the meditation, then introduces a prayer, and then allows for a reflection for the reader. Here is today's:
January 28: Believing in Change
At first, drugs and booze turned us on; later they turned on us. We couldn't find any peace anywhere. We began turning into the kind of person we didn't want to be, but we didn't know what was happening to us or how to change.
When we came to believe that our lives could and would turn around if we quit drinking or using, things began to get better.
Do I believe in change?
Higher Power, help me to be open-minded and humble enough to believe that what has worked to change the lives of others will work to change mine.
Today I will seek change by committing myself to willingness. I have a tendency to isolate and in doing so, I show my unwillingness to commit to the principles of the AA program that have worked for so many others. By showing that I am willing to change this aspect of my personality, I begin in earnest to progress in my recovery. I believe that this "psychic change" can and will happen for me if I only commit fully to the program of recovery that I have been introduced to through meetings, recovery literature, and my sponsor. I need only exhibit a willingness to do what is asked of me, and today that is to avoid isolating and embrace the help, fellowship, and guidance of others. I will also seek change by letting go of my own will and ask my Higher Power to guide me as he sees fit.
"God help me to stay clean and sober today!"
It's a little awkward sharing this with other people, particularly with non-alcoholic-types, as I have been more or less surrounded with the alcoholic-variety of persons for the better part of a month. It's become relatively easy for me to share my feelings and problems with my fellow alcoholics, as I know that on some level they understand, even if they haven't experienced what I have specifically. That, in my short time sober, has not been the case with non-drinkers, social drinkers, or any variety of drinking person who doesn't suffer from this disease or known someone who has. It is my hope that as my friends and others read this, they will begin to come to an understanding about what makes this particular malady so confounding and frustrating, and will better prepare them for dealing with alcoholics in life. There are many of us in the world, some are in meetings, and some are still out on the street. Today, I am thankful to be one of the former.
Speaking of, here's a joke for y'all:
Q; What's the difference between an alcoholic and a drunk?
A: Alcoholics have to go to meetings.
ba-dum-chich!
New Blog! Again...
I've tackled blogging a couple times now, and have had little success to date. Why, then, have I decided to start a new blog? The answer is simple: I need an outlet.
After 9 years of consistently taking one step forward and two steps back, I have decided that what I need is sobriety. Long-term, one-day-at-a-time style sobriety.
What started out as a fun, rebellious activity and diversion from the banality of suburban life in upper-middle America has, over the years, become a hindrance, an impediment, a ball-and-chain around my leg that has prevented me from advancing in any significant way, and has stunted my growth as a person for far too long.
"Long-term sobriety?" some might say, "That sounds like alcoholic-talk to me." And it is, in fact. Without getting into all the gory details, I have had a sneaking suspicion for a number of years now, almost since the beginning, that I don't drink like normal people. Whether called a "drinking problem," "lack of discipline" (yes, I've seen that South Park), or any other euphemism, It's time for me to call a spade a spade. My name is Warren and I'm an alcoholic. My life has become unmanageable and I cannot retake control on my own.
Just to be clear, this isn't some sort of cry for attention, and I'm not making any admission here that I haven't been coming to terms with for some time now. As of today I am 36 days sober, and I am finishing up a month-long treatment program at a local rehabilitation facility that I checked myself into just before New Years. I have a Sponsor. I go to AA meetings daily (or nearly). I work the steps. And I am taking this very seriously. I have come to loathe myself when I am drinking and I no longer wish exist in a state of limbo: "I didn't want to live, but I didn't want to die," as one gentleman put it.
This is a 24-hour-at-time, every-day commitment I have chosen to make because I need to in order to not only lead a healthy, happy, productive life, but just to stay alive. I can honestly say that I am very lucky to be alive today, because the choices I have made while drinking could have easily cost myself and at times others their lives. Continuing to drink, I would likely die in a sudden, fiery, alcohol-soaked blaze, or else I would probably die a slow, painful death from alcohol-related causes. The longer I drink , the more likely one of these demises becomes. Honestly, considering my past, I suspect the Vegas odds would have been pretty good in favor of the former circumstance.
So, here's how I see this working: I gotta stay vigilant combating this disease, which means that every day I do recovery work, which I'll sometimes share with y'all. In addition to that, I've committed myself to journaling every day, which seems like an easy way to keep up the content. Currently, I am on a self-imposed hiatus from most social events because, lets face it, all I did with my friends was drink, with few exceptions. Football games, concerts, movies, dinners, television; all of these things are triggers for me, especially when grouped with friends. I have to learn to do all of them without alcohol, which for me, is not going to be easy. In time, I'm going to re-emerge into these social settings and test the waters, and those experiences I'll also share here. I feel like I'm leaning to walk again. It's very nerve-wracking, but I am excited about the future. Sober.
Check back often and catch a glimpse inside the mind of a recovering alcoholic. It's a twisted world, but there's sure to be some laughs, as well as some hard truths
along the way. Cheers.
After 9 years of consistently taking one step forward and two steps back, I have decided that what I need is sobriety. Long-term, one-day-at-a-time style sobriety.
What started out as a fun, rebellious activity and diversion from the banality of suburban life in upper-middle America has, over the years, become a hindrance, an impediment, a ball-and-chain around my leg that has prevented me from advancing in any significant way, and has stunted my growth as a person for far too long.
"Long-term sobriety?" some might say, "That sounds like alcoholic-talk to me." And it is, in fact. Without getting into all the gory details, I have had a sneaking suspicion for a number of years now, almost since the beginning, that I don't drink like normal people. Whether called a "drinking problem," "lack of discipline" (yes, I've seen that South Park), or any other euphemism, It's time for me to call a spade a spade. My name is Warren and I'm an alcoholic. My life has become unmanageable and I cannot retake control on my own.
Just to be clear, this isn't some sort of cry for attention, and I'm not making any admission here that I haven't been coming to terms with for some time now. As of today I am 36 days sober, and I am finishing up a month-long treatment program at a local rehabilitation facility that I checked myself into just before New Years. I have a Sponsor. I go to AA meetings daily (or nearly). I work the steps. And I am taking this very seriously. I have come to loathe myself when I am drinking and I no longer wish exist in a state of limbo: "I didn't want to live, but I didn't want to die," as one gentleman put it.
This is a 24-hour-at-time, every-day commitment I have chosen to make because I need to in order to not only lead a healthy, happy, productive life, but just to stay alive. I can honestly say that I am very lucky to be alive today, because the choices I have made while drinking could have easily cost myself and at times others their lives. Continuing to drink, I would likely die in a sudden, fiery, alcohol-soaked blaze, or else I would probably die a slow, painful death from alcohol-related causes. The longer I drink , the more likely one of these demises becomes. Honestly, considering my past, I suspect the Vegas odds would have been pretty good in favor of the former circumstance.
So, here's how I see this working: I gotta stay vigilant combating this disease, which means that every day I do recovery work, which I'll sometimes share with y'all. In addition to that, I've committed myself to journaling every day, which seems like an easy way to keep up the content. Currently, I am on a self-imposed hiatus from most social events because, lets face it, all I did with my friends was drink, with few exceptions. Football games, concerts, movies, dinners, television; all of these things are triggers for me, especially when grouped with friends. I have to learn to do all of them without alcohol, which for me, is not going to be easy. In time, I'm going to re-emerge into these social settings and test the waters, and those experiences I'll also share here. I feel like I'm leaning to walk again. It's very nerve-wracking, but I am excited about the future. Sober.
Check back often and catch a glimpse inside the mind of a recovering alcoholic. It's a twisted world, but there's sure to be some laughs, as well as some hard truths
along the way. Cheers.
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