I've tackled blogging a couple times now, and have had little success to date. Why, then, have I decided to start a new blog? The answer is simple: I need an outlet.
After 9 years of consistently taking one step forward and two steps back, I have decided that what I need is sobriety. Long-term, one-day-at-a-time style sobriety.
What started out as a fun, rebellious activity and diversion from the banality of suburban life in upper-middle America has, over the years, become a hindrance, an impediment, a ball-and-chain around my leg that has prevented me from advancing in any significant way, and has stunted my growth as a person for far too long.
"Long-term sobriety?" some might say, "That sounds like alcoholic-talk to me." And it is, in fact. Without getting into all the gory details, I have had a sneaking suspicion for a number of years now, almost since the beginning, that I don't drink like normal people. Whether called a "drinking problem," "lack of discipline" (yes, I've seen that South Park), or any other euphemism, It's time for me to call a spade a spade. My name is Warren and I'm an alcoholic. My life has become unmanageable and I cannot retake control on my own.
Just to be clear, this isn't some sort of cry for attention, and I'm not making any admission here that I haven't been coming to terms with for some time now. As of today I am 36 days sober, and I am finishing up a month-long treatment program at a local rehabilitation facility that I checked myself into just before New Years. I have a Sponsor. I go to AA meetings daily (or nearly). I work the steps. And I am taking this very seriously. I have come to loathe myself when I am drinking and I no longer wish exist in a state of limbo: "I didn't want to live, but I didn't want to die," as one gentleman put it.
This is a 24-hour-at-time, every-day commitment I have chosen to make because I need to in order to not only lead a healthy, happy, productive life, but just to stay alive. I can honestly say that I am very lucky to be alive today, because the choices I have made while drinking could have easily cost myself and at times others their lives. Continuing to drink, I would likely die in a sudden, fiery, alcohol-soaked blaze, or else I would probably die a slow, painful death from alcohol-related causes. The longer I drink , the more likely one of these demises becomes. Honestly, considering my past, I suspect the Vegas odds would have been pretty good in favor of the former circumstance.
So, here's how I see this working: I gotta stay vigilant combating this disease, which means that every day I do recovery work, which I'll sometimes share with y'all. In addition to that, I've committed myself to journaling every day, which seems like an easy way to keep up the content. Currently, I am on a self-imposed hiatus from most social events because, lets face it, all I did with my friends was drink, with few exceptions. Football games, concerts, movies, dinners, television; all of these things are triggers for me, especially when grouped with friends. I have to learn to do all of them without alcohol, which for me, is not going to be easy. In time, I'm going to re-emerge into these social settings and test the waters, and those experiences I'll also share here. I feel like I'm leaning to walk again. It's very nerve-wracking, but I am excited about the future. Sober.
Check back often and catch a glimpse inside the mind of a recovering alcoholic. It's a twisted world, but there's sure to be some laughs, as well as some hard truths
along the way. Cheers.
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